Too many of us white people have picked up bad habits from our parents: improperly using technology in public spaces, offering unsolicited advice to strangers, and assaulting unarmed Black people minding their own business. Thankfully, experts like Dr. Rick from the Progressive Insurance commercials [here] are helping younger generations with some of these bad habits.
However, we need a new expert to help all those young white men dressed in cammo, armed with AR-15’s, and prowling uninvited through the streets of our fair towns looking to shoot those aforementioned Black people minding their own business. Enter Dr. Roy, known to millions at Roy Wood, Jr. Public service announcements starring Dr. Roy and an earnest group of young white male and Black actors — like the one scripted below – can help save lives.
|1. Dr. Roy opens door to van, with his clients spilling out into an urban public plaza |
2. Dr. Roy, in his office, explains the challenge facing his white militia clients
3. Dr. Roy and three of his white, male clients walk through the plaza, passing a Black family (dad, mom, two children). His clients reflexively reach for their fake guns.
4. Dr. Roy, back in his office, explains a complexity of the challenges.
5. One of Dr. Roy’s clients, at a food truck, attempts to provide advice on ammunition to white customer ordering tacos. Dr. Roy intervenes.
6. Dr. Roy and two of his clients observe a group of black teenagers in hoodies pass by them in the public plaza.
7. One of Dr. Roy’s clients attempts to demonstrate proper shooting posture to a white stranger in the plaza. Dr. Roy intervenes.
|1. Dr. Roy, opening door, “Alright everyone…” |
2. ”My job is to help resentful young white men who have turned into their racist cracker daddies.”
3. ”We’re drawing our firearms in a public and there’s no one else around you with a weapon…except those uniformed police officers right over there. Is that a good idea?”
4. ”One of the ways I do that is to get them out in public, away from of their racist cracker families and whites-only neighborhoods.”
5. Client to other customer: ”If you’re looking for the best AR-15 ammo…” Dr. Roy to client: “Did he ask for your help?” Client to Dr. Roy: “No.” Dr. Roy to client: No.” Both: “No.”
6. Dr. Roy: “We all see it….we all see it.” Client #1: “Hoodie.” Client #2: “Definitely hoodie.”
7. Voiceover: “Acting just like your racist, cracker parents could result in you shooting innocent people. Don’t be a racist cracker like your daddy.” Client, to stranger “You gotta make sure your weight is evenly distributed.” Dr. Roy: “You don’t know him.”
Roy, if I can call you Roy, just credit ThirdEdNovak when you shoot these ads.