Jesus’ New Year’s Resolutions for 2022

Each year, Mom and Dad get after You to make resolutions to improve Yourself. Here are Your own thoughts on self-improvement for the Son of God in 2022. Review last year’s resolutions to see if You followed through.

  1. Fire Katharine Gibbs as Your Personal Secretary. When she tries to correct Your grammar – and she is always doing it! – You have to remind her who You are every time. You don’t want to be that guy who demands, “Do you know who I am?” all the time.
  2. Conclude Negotiations with Prince to Become the New Director of the Heavenly Chorus. You are willing to give in to his demand for [redacted] to be called home, but You are not giving in to his demand for Beyoncé.
  3. Instruct Your Legal Team Draft a Memo to Dad viz. COVID. Remind Him that the Holy Family has not intervened in plagues, scourges, or pandemics since that time He lost a bet to the Fallen Angel and had to get involved with Moses, the Israelites, and the Egyptians.
  4. Win Back Sharon Stone. She dumped You. No woman still breathing air has ever dumped You. You want another shot, but Your half-brother Scott is threatening to tell the Blessed Virgin Mary about Your plan to win Sharon back involving Martin Scorsese, the Saudi Public Investment Fund, and Paul Rudd.
  5. Perform the Bitcoin Miracle. It would literally take a miracle to stop your half-sister Rachel from pumping up cryptocurrency for lulz. Wait…that’s simple enough!
  6. Redesign the Cathedral of Notre Dame. Those French idiots want to restore the cathedral to the state before it burned. You, on the other hand, want something flashier. Schedule a summit with the seraphim on ways to institute the necessary change orders with the contractor.
  7. Inspire Bo Burnham and Sufjan Stevens to Form a Band. Everyone would feel everything all the time.
  8. Start Procrastinating. Human lives are now on repeat pandemic cycle. People are born, they live truncated lives, they deal with common dilemmas involving paranoia and dashed hopes, they die, and Dad judges them. It’s all so boring. You need to just chill and wait for the next presidential election in the USA. Make Interesting Things Happen Again! MITHA!
  9. Find a New Owner for Your Dog. The Son of God does not need a dog. You should not have to collect its poop, even if heavenly poop smells like roses. You never even gave it a name.
  10. Win Third Straight Championship in the Annual Heavenly Three-on-Three Basketball Tournament. Your team, Jesus and the Acolytes, won in 2021 with You, Bob Cousy and George Mikan. You replaced them with Pete Maravich and Wilt Chamberlain for 2022. Rumor has it that Cousy and Mikan are in talks to join Lucifer’s team. It could get ugly.

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