Jesus’ To-Do List for Easter

  1. Write thank you note to dad for raising you from the dead.
  2. Select cherubim and seraphim to perform full pedicure and manicure for the Blessed Virgin Mary, because your mother expects to be treated like royalty even when the day is supposed to be all about you.
  3. Conference call with Pope Francis and members of the Curia to discuss themes for Easter sermon. Inquire if Nick Lowe is available to sing “What’s So Funny About Peace, Love, and Understanding?” during communion; if not, perhaps Elvis Costello.
  4. Review final draft of memo to Lucifer regarding agreed-upon acts of sheer, wanton evil that will be allowed in a specified 72-hour time frame (Greenwich Mean Time) surrounding Easter. Copies to the Holy Spirit, Jerry Falwell, Jr., Donald Trump, Jr., Laura Ingraham, Margie Taylor Greene, and Dennis Rodman. Blind copies to Ye’s agent and Hillary.
  5. Watch Beyonce showering. You are half-man, after all.
  6. Review dinner menu with Julia Child and Craig Claiborne. Reiterate that collard greens WILL be served.
  7. Instruct the Archangel Gabriel to smite Tucker Carlson, but not so badly that Fox will be allowed to legally void Carlson’s contract.
  8. Watch Dwayne Johnson shower. See #5 above.
  9. Email Barack that joke Richard Pryor just told you about what happened when the Easter Bunny walked in on Quentin Tarantino having sex.
  10. Sign off on Ecclesiastical Order #3,654,895,281,429, which turns the volume on all church organs up to “11” between the hours of 8 am and 4:30 pm on Easter Sunday.
  11. Go over talking points that you will deliver to the 12 apostles over supper regarding their lack of productivity since the death of Pope Pius II in 1464.
  12. Renew resolve to eradicate the depiction of what has become known as “Brad Pitt” Jesus from the artistic canon and replace it with the more historically accurate “Jamie Foxx” Jesus.

An earlier version of this list previously appeared here:

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