What Jesus Plans to Do for Father’s Day

First, promise Dad that you will spend more time with the Blessed Virgin Mary. This is your way of saying that you will spend more time with Him because you and Dad use your mother as a conduit for your feelings for each other.

Instead of taking Dad to play golf at Torrey Pines (like you did last year with your stepfather, Joseph), you and your two half-brothers (Joseph, Jr. and Chad) are actually going to take Him and Joseph to play bocce ball at that place on Atlantic Avenue that’s still closed to the public because of, well, you know, the pandemic. We’ll have the run of the place. The BVM told you that He appreciated the golf, but what He really wants to do is play bocce ball. “No one has picked upon on how much He likes it,” she told you. “It’s the only thing He and your stepfather like doing together. Of course, He has only mentioned it about 10 times a day for the past century or so.”

Get the Archangel Michael to convince Anthony Bourdain to find a decent sushi place. Your half-sister Rachel showed Him “Jiro Dreams of Sushi” on Netflix last year and, after billions of years of never having touched sushi, He now wants to start eating sushi at a time when none of the best sushi restaurants are open because of, well, you know, the pandemic. Bourdain is the only member of the heavenly choir with the connections to find good sushi during a pandemic. Joseph is kind of “meh” on sushi, but since he picked IHOP last year, no one is looking for him to yammer about this year’s choice.

Leak to Stephen A. Smith that the Bucks will take the NBA title in that weird tournament in Orlando, then bet heavily on the Lakers. He has had a soft spot for the Lakers (especially after Kobe let Him win at H-O-R-S-E last month when all the cherubim and seraphim were watching).

The coyote is going to catch the road runner on Father’s Day. However, since He is a compassionate God, the coyote will practice catch-and-release. If the coyote knows what’s really good for him.

Rachel is going to take the BVM to a private seating at that drag brunch in Washington DC, hosted by Divine, and featuring the best drag queens in the heavenly choir. It’s BYOMB: Bring Your Own Mimosas, Bitch! While the BVM is distracted, you will sneak Him out to private interviews with Josephine Baker, Sally Rand, and Gloria Swanson. This is “don’t ask, don’t tell” territory. Not even Joseph Jr. and Chad know about this one.

He likes a Turkish bath, but, well, you know, they are all closed because of the pandemic. Plan B: you, Martin Luther, Confucius, Alexander the Great, the Buddha, Nelson Mandela, Lakshmi, and Job will take over one of those spas/Swedish massage places in New Zealand, which has no reported cases of the COVID. You do not want to know what kind of ruckus they will cause. You just leave it to the accountant to pay off the masseuses and any sundry damages.

You and your siblings give Him the John Deere EZtrak (Z425) 54 in. 22 HP V-Twin Zero-Turn Riding Mower as a gift. He does not even have a lawn to mow, but He really likes tools and gadgets and He already has an iPhone 11 Pro. He will just ride around and terrorize the new cohort of saints, and it will be way better than that year you got Him that stupid Sherman Tank right off the assembly line. You will get Joseph the iPhone.

You have the perfect prank that He can play on Donald Trump. All you can reveal is that the prank involves disarming police and military weaponry at just the right time on Father’s Day with the assistance of a select members of the heavenly choir, including Saint Sandra, Saint Huey, Saint George, Saint Ahmaud, Saint Fred, Saint Tamir, Saint Eric. Kayleigh McEnany, Sean Spicer, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and Stephanie Grisham will probably experience some collateral damage. Anthony Scaramucci will receive a pass. Hilarity will ensue, depending on your privilege.

You have ordained the Archangel Azrael, the Angel of Destruction, to lay waste to all the houses of worship that have ignored warnings from the world’s preeminent epidemiologists, opened for worship, and put their congregations at risk of infection. Those so-called religious leaders just frost Him, and every few centuries, He needs a smackdown. Remember 17th century Europe? Rape, loot, burn kill. Some of Azrael’s best work.

Last, you have arranged for all the prayers directed his way regarding the pandemic on Father’s Day to be rerouted to the Archangel Gabriel for response. Prayer volume has been up 3,914 percent since March and it’s starting to weigh on Dad. Unknown on earth, but as a result of 3rd century negotiations with Lucifer, it is now strict divine policy not to intervene in cases of viral pandemics. Don’t hate on us! Remember those plagues that Dad sent the Egyptian Pharaoh back in the day? Rivers of blood and frogs falling from the sky ring any bells? Thanks to Lucifer, they are totally outlawed now. Anyhoo, Dad needs a day off. Gabriel is competent enough in these matters, and what do you keep archangels around for anyway?

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